believe™

Remember this one? I haven’t heard it in:

… ((  . + * ~ f o r e v e r ~ * + . )) …

Is it cheesy? LOL I hope not. It was my $#!+ when it came out. When I get really into a song I play it to death ‘til I can’t listen to it again for… well THIS long. And now it’s good to me again. So good. In a weird way.

I remember it was 2001 and I was 22 when this came out. I had been in LA for just 2 years. I was driving an ‘88 Honda Accord. LOL. Not shit compared to my Audi convertible is it? But I loved that piece of shit car. The only money I put into it was on a CD player. The ipods had JUST come out, I think. I didn’t have one yet. Couldn’t afford it. FuCk It, I was burning mixed CD’s fo-yo-a$$! hehe Just like I used to do a damn good mixtape when I was 13, lol… but better. 

I have a distinct memory of driving home from a crap job I hated in Burbank. I was selling paintball passes. I’m not shitting you. In heels. Gotta be me…lol. I was hardcore on that I was gunna make it and just wanted to earn enough to pay for my Single apt. in the Palms area. Anyway, I worked with really cool people there, and we did have a ton of fun. I remember I was on my way home and stuck in major LA traffic (okay, that was redundant). It was summer, and I was passing kind of where the Getty and Mullholland is. This song was blasting on repeat… I looked out at the other cars stuck just like I was. There was a convertible with the top down, and a handsome man and gorgeous woman dressed all preppy like and Stepford, with designer shades and a slight glow were in it chatting with smiles on their faces. I looked up and saw the sun, and this crazy feeling filled me when I heard this song, I felt so free and so happy and so MYSELF and excited to be here, like anything could happen. Like people really DO find their dreams here and that’s just what I’m gunna do.

I had nothing to lose then. What do I have to lose now? My birthday is approaching. 29. I’m not old. I know that, lol… unless you ask my 16 year old sister, ha! But, I’m closer to old, whatever that is, than I was in ‘01. But I still have so much life ahead of me, god willing. 

I needed to be reminded of that feeling. That now is a time for change is so blatant in my life I’d have to be blind not to acknowledge it. Some are. *shrugs* Not me.

I think I might want to move somewhere out of the country for a while. Not forever. I don’t think. But who knows. Why am I scared now when I wasn’t when I was 20? I came here blindly and I made a hell of a life. Boy the stories I could tell of my 8 years here in LA. *chuckles* You’d have to be from here or live here to even believe half of them. And LA is definitely more home to me than anywhere else has been. I CHOSE this as my home. I came here with pretty much nothing and made something. Something… that if I give myself some credit, is FUCKING AMAZING. Can I just share that my song “Kissed A Girl” got played on 102.3 KJLH Saturday night mixdown??? I mean. HELLO. My song was on the RADIO, people. 

There are some unbelievable things that have happened to my life here. Some so out there no one believes it. That’s okay. You can’t understand what you can’t understand. But sometimes I say to myself, Damn Alana, how the hell did you do it?

It might be time for me to “do it” somewhere new. I need inspiration. I can’t live without it. There is an energy that I used to have that I lost somewhere and I want it back. I NEED it back. And I know it’s inside me, and wherever you go there you are and all that, and I believe it. But sometimes you need to shake yourself up when the dust has settled inside. Well, or you can just accept that you are a drone finally. And I’m not. I’m a Queen Bee. hehe

I want to see somewhere else. Not for a week. For months. I want another culture, another way of life to rub off on me. I want to evolve in a way that LA doesn’t have to offer, let’s be honest.

Where? Hell if I know. Tokyo? Berlin? London? I’m a city girl. I’m Mary Tyler Moore in 2008, throwing my hat into the skyline of (Insert City Here). Am I totally crazy? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t have kids. When I do, this would be beyond difficult to do. Once I’m over there (wherever “there” is) I can travel to so many other places so much easier than I can now. I can set the ambition and pressure aside for a year or two and go just BE somewhere else. Not be collecting furniture that’s collecting dust that’s collecting pieces of me. Don’t speak the language? I’ll learn. No bull shit. Maybe I should sell that damn Audi, and just GO.

All that from this song. Thank you god for music. I love you. 

If you’re listening.

Sing it back.

String from your tether unwinds.

Up and outward (but only) to bind.

I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.

Are you listening?

Sing it back.

So tell me what do I need when the words lose their meaning.

I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.

Yeah, stumble until you crawl.

Sinking into sweet uncertainty.

If you’re listening.

Are you listening?

Sing it back.

I’m still running away.

I won’t play your hide and seek game.

I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.

What a dizzy dance.

This sweetness will not be concerned with me.

No the sweetness will not be concerned with me.  

Sweetness: Jimmy Eat World

2001